“You can have anything you want,” writes one of my heroes, astrologer and author Rob Brezsny, ” if you’ll just ask for it in an unselfish tone of voice.”
I haven’t been writing here as much as I usually do, I guess because I don’t want to sound whiny, or ungrateful, or perhaps even selfish. But I’m struggling a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit.
National Novel Writing Month, as I’ve posted, was great. After the novel was done, I’ve been in a slump. I told a friend yesterday, “It’s like NaNo just sort of deferred my grief, and now I’m right back where I was.” Her reply was, “no, honey, don’t worry. It just takes time.” Sigh.
Some days I feel like a cocktail of grief, hormones, stress, and doubt. Especially as we traveled through the dark of the moon, at the darkest part of the year. Not that I have anything against darkness, not I. But I’ve been feeling a bit abandoned and cut adrift.
I don’t want to blame myself, or even circumstances. It is what it is. Plenty of beings are in worse shape than me, and I’m thankful for the blessings in my life.
I’m doing the best I can to nurture and care for myself. Here’s what that looks like: sleeping in when I can, making holiday cards (which this time of year I refer to as my “art therapy”), getting some bodywork (massage and reflexology), writing in my journal, saying “no thanks” to invitations that don’t currently appeal to me, practicing gratitude, and curling up to watch holiday movies with the family.
So, what do I want? I want some healing and peace. I want to be able to pay all our bills and give nice holiday gifts. I want to feel better. I want my car to be fixed. I want to sell lots of books so I can make a living with my calling. I want to have a fun and relaxing holiday season with my family. I want a fistfull of free movie tickets. I want lots of time to create and recreate. I want to complete this phase of my spiritual transformation.
Truly, I’m not even sure of the point of this post. I guess I just wanted to share where I’m at with you. I hope I’ve been able to do it in an unselfish tone of voice.
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