I’m having a hard time getting back into some of my usual creative outlets, like blogging, since my friend passed away. It’s odd how grief shows up in different ways for each person. The other thing that’s dropped away is my usual talent for planning and scheduling – which may be a good thing, though somehow I’m still in the midst of ineptly trying to plan two gatherings.
My emotions are up and down. Being around lots of people is hard. Some days I just want to stay in bed, while other times yoga is what calls to me. I guess that’s one area that’s going well. I have an off and on relationship with my yoga practice, and after a long dry spell, I’m back to the yoga mat.
Through this whole journey I’ve been able to do my music, my drumming, even though writing has been a challenge. Dark Follies had a big show this past weekend, and getting ready for it really fed my creative side. It also gave me something proactive to focus on.
I feel like both of the shows went really well, and the audiences we had seemed to enjoy them. But I guess, like some of my fellow troupe members, I’m experiencing some post-performance letdown.
In the early morning hours, I found myself awake and fretting about some of the things said to me at the cast party. Like how far we still have to go, as a band, all the finesse and polish we lack if we’re really going to take this thing to a new level, etc. And there was some personal stuff, too, like a friend’s off-the-cuff comment that I seem to live in a bubble and not be in touch with “the real world,” whatever that means. I think cancer and death are pretty damn real, and I’m tired of being judged for not ranting about politics. But now I’m ranting about rants…not helpful.
The point of this post, if it does still have one, is simple. As I lay awake worrying about my musical inadequacies and others’ perceptions of my unusual attitude toward life, the solution came to me. Stop spending so much energy on this external stuff, and go within.
What are my thoughts and feelings about my creative pursuits and way of living? What do I need to help me heal? Can I allow myself the time to grieve without expecting that I should be doing all the things I normally take for granted?
I am the only one who can face what’s in front of me right now.
I can’t serve anyone if my heart is too broken.
Go within, Starcat. It’s alright.
I read a post today called something like “Five Happiness Mistakes You May be Making” and one of them was that we often tend to think that to be happy we have to shut down the so called bad feelings: like sadness, anger and of course grief. It is okay to feel those things and we should let ourselves do so.
For me when I don’t allow myself to feel something I tend towards shutting down all together. I become creatively non-functional. I can muddle through my day and do things like bathe, do laundry, got to work, etc. but when it comes to music, dance and particularly writing, it is like the muse has left me.
When I allow myself to feel fully whatever my pain might be, at first it can be nearly overwhelming but then there is this feeling of settling in. It won’t feel ‘good’ but I will find I am able to breathe again; I am able to write, dance and make music again. In the end I realize it is much more comfortable to accept the feeling, allow it to exist and run its course. Some people say that creative types seem more prone to dark emotions but I think perhaps it is more that we allow ourselves, most of the time, to experience emotion fully and freely. It seems almost necessary to the process of creation.
It is one of the things I struggle with when putting on a show. Show production involves a lot of setting aside my own needs to take care of things that are necessary to the show being successful for the group. Things like creating set lists, overseeing rehearsals, posting fliers around town, calling around to spread the world, trying to make sure the show will make enough money to pay for itself. All while trying to make that time to go within to create the performance I want to present in the show. It is exhausting and often stressful.
As for the rest, there is always room to grow. Just because someone says we need more polish does not mean we are not good and in fact one might take it as a compliment to have someone say, “Hey, look where we are. Now imagine where we could be…and you know what I think we have enough talent that if we put our minds to it we could absolutely get there.”
Anyway, those are my Monday evening rambling thoughts. I hope things look up for you soon. Loss is never and easy thing to deal with.
You rock Nikki, and the so called “real world” many people seem to believe in is not the real world at all, but a delusion. Heh, and I realize you already know that! 🙂
sometimes people mean well but their delivery is ill formed. I agree with the above post. the REAL world is what we make it… through our own BEing and FEELing and our thoughts as well. I am currently dealing with my own grief and loss as well during this time as we approach the one year anniversary of my fathers passing. I have noticed similarly a funk in my creativity and organizational skills as well as in my focus. It IS okay…. because it JUST IS… I send you LOVE from my ‘holding pattern’ to yours and in believing that EVERYTHING IS for a REASON… this too has a purpose, not just for your own regrouping but in sharing it… it is healing for others even when you don’t see it or intend it directly…. you just take care of YOU and all else will fall into place <3
Namaste
Thank you both so much…big hugs, much love and blessings as you each walk your own path of grieving.
This post hits home.. I’ve been up and down since Jenn’s passing… sometimes I can’t get out of bed and other times I’m trying to do WAY too much… I feel this need to over compensate for something. Thank you for sharing.. I needed to check my speed and just “be”…. <3
Thanks, Joie and Tanya – your comments were hidden in my “need to approve them” folder. Tanya, blessings to you in your process of grief. Joie, thanks for sharing your wisdom. That’s true about seeing the vision of where we can go building on where we are – I think everything sort of piled up for me, and the post-show letdown got to me more than it normally would. I also agree about going through these emotions rather than setting them aside. Someone told me that grief is like the common cold: there’s no cure for it, you just need to go through it. I’ll keep on keeping on and feeling what there is to feel. Thanks, everyone, truly, for commenting. I appreciate you.